


Better Than This

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:26:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had always, forever been the one holding that star back from the blazing heights he could have soared to, and would have soared to without that tether, without the one holding him back, holding him down. (Companion to Full Moon Wanderings.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than This

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

TITLE: Better Than This

AUTHOR: Maple Tide

E-MAIL: mapletide@fastmail.fm

DISCLAIMER: The characters involved that are from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J. K. Rowling and all associated publishers (including Scholastic Press, Bloomsburg, and Raincoast). I'm just borrowing them for my own nefarious purposes. The plot involved, any stray characters that may crop up, and any other things that don't belong to her belong to me. I'm not seeking to make any money off of this; rather I'm going it for fun and for the chance to get it out of my own imagination before it drives me even more insane. Understood? =) Good. 

RATING: PG-13

CATEGORY: Angst, Character Death

KEYWORDS: Remus, Sirius, death

SPOILERS: none

ARCHIVE: Marauder Me. Azkaban's Lair can have it if they want it. Anyone else, ask. =)

FEEDBACK: Please? I can be reached at mapletide@fastmail.fm

SUMMARY: He had always, forever been the one holding that star back from the blazing heights he could have soared to, and would have soared to without that tether, without the one holding him back, holding him down. It had to be this way, slipping away with dignity.

\-----

_I know I can love you much better than this_

Full of grace, full of grace, my love

He knew Sirius would be raging at him for giving up like this. Slipping from his grasp more easily than should be allowed.

What he didn't understand, what he never had understood, and never would was that it was so much better if he left like this. He had always, forever been the one holding that star back from the blazing heights he could have soared to, and would have soared to without that tether, without the one holding him back, holding him down.

It had to be this way, slipping away with dignity.

The thought flew through his mind was that it was possible that Sirius would never even know. He would never know that this was a deliberate thing; it would look to the eye of the beholder that it was simply the potion made wrong, and that he had died in the process. A sad mistake, but a mistake all the same.

Yet those beholders would not have those eyes, pale underneath that fall of hair that could always cut through him.

No one could cut through to the soul like Sirius could. No one could peer inside and see the scared boy that dwelled within the soul of a man who could take on more and more without seeming to break. Sirius, ah Sirius, always had the ability to know his breaking point, and know when he'd gone beyond it. He had dreamed that he would be able to keep him from going beyond, but he would be too late this day.

The damage was already done.

_All of the strength, all of the courage_

Come and lift me from this place I know

I can love you much better than this...

Then he felt the grasp of a hand in his, and a growl, so loud in its intensity. "You did this..."

"There was no choice."

"There's **always** a choice."

"Not when they're using me. Not when they're using me to get to you, and using you to get to Harry. It was like this before. You remember."

With darkening vision, he saw his face before his own, glittering with a look bought with too long in Azkaban. How all of them were set against each other. He couldn't help but remember, for that had been their final downfall. In the end, there was only fear and distrust among them all, while the love and laughter that had bound them together in the beginning eroding into rust, crumbling from the steel they thought would never break.

"You have to stop this," he coughs out. "You and Harry, and his friends. There's no one else who can or will. And Padfoot, I will only ask this one thing of you. Remember me, because no one else will."

"Yes, they will. They will remember you, Remus. How can they not?" the grief tears through, and the anger, for he was not able to persuade him away from his course of action.

"Because they do not know me as you have. And the tide of time erodes even the best memory, and they will forget. They will not have known me and all that is left will be you. Ah, but you've loved me the longest, and the best, so it has to be you to remember me. Walk under the full moon, and remember how we ran, how we laughed, how we thought we could conquer the world."

"But we were young, and foolish, and wrong."

"Not on that. We aren't the ones doing the conquering, but we're there during it all the same, and we play our part. It's better this way."

"No!"

"Yes. Yes, it is. And Sirius."

"Mm?"

"Don't keep me waiting long," he manages a brief smile. "I'm not a patient man. You know that better than any other."

There's the sense of a motion that he assumes is a nod, and the sound of Sirius breaking down. Then even that is gone, and he is nothingless and waiting.

_I am waiting, for there is nothing else for me, since he and I twine together in such a way that there is no beginning, and no end. There's just the moment, and the time, and the intensity we have together._

There's nothing more, and yet, nothing less either.

\-----

-end-


End file.
